As you share the truth with someone they will feel hurt and maybe embarrassed. The mental health community needs to start stressing the idea that when you’re hurting it does not mean you get to hurt others. If you find yourself putting yourself down, neglecting your own needs, or playing down your own accomplishments because you’re worried about hurting someone else’s feelings, there are a few things you need to know. Bottom line: The go-to coping mechanism hurt people embody is to rationalize their reactions by creating stories that make those actions seem A-OK. “What weakens us is feeling offended by the deeds and misdeeds of our fellow men. Our self-importance requires that we spend most of our lives offended by someone.” And whereas it’s no excuse for toying with another person’s feelings, it’s a poignant reminder we’re all searching for acceptance and understanding. This may seem obvious, but too often I hear something along the lines of, “Oh they’re just having a hard time,” as a defense for someone behaving in a harmful way. We’ve endured our own sets of struggles and successes. Sadly, many people who are carrying hurts are left to deal with their feelings of pain or loss by themselves. I think they realized they are hurting us, but they don’t care because they have dumped us in the “past loves” basket. Now that you have talked it out, do you want to salvage the relationship? Sylvester Stallone. Because of the fall, this will happen. […] Hurt People Hurt Others, But They Hurt Themselves More […], […] Catfishers often have self-esteem issue, or have been harm themselves. To experience hurting the other can create shame, guilt and strong “I am a bad person” feelings. Sometimes a person acts with malicious intent, desiring to hurt you because they don’t like you or they’ve chosen to be offended by you. It hurts for everyone. 5. Hence, she was manipulating me to see if I would react a certain way. We know they don’t truly want to hurt us — they are just protecting themselves and attempting to avoid mental and emotional pain. I asked him about it (in several different ways to elicit an honest response). After a few years of friendship, she finally told me that it made her feel wanted and loved when people contacted her first. When someone hurts us it’s often because it hits a part of ourselves that is in need of our own love. She later said that she would say things to me that she was actually feeling about herself. We had a long conversation about some women in her church who had suddenly and without warning kicked her out of their Bible study fellowship group with a … Sign up for the Thought Catalog Weekly and get the best stories from the week to your inbox every Friday. Because they are hurt, and unconsciously trying to get others to strengthen their paradigm of pain is the opposite direction of turning towards the path of healing and growth. You can choose different actions and make different decisions. We are not to hurt others physically or emotionally. Hurting quotes will let you realize the agony of being hurt. The more we hate ourselves, the more we want others to suffer.” – Dan Pearce. We can rise above — and hopefully bring them up with us. Dare someone else accidentally touch our wounds, we act as if they caused them. We might run away, numb out, shrink down, or lash out in anger. Nobody else is responsible – only you and you alone. A mentor said many unkind things to me in the name of personal development. We might run away, numb out, shrink down, or lash out in anger. … 37. In retrospect, it was some kind of "revenge" for his ex. However, the explanation for deliberately hurting the person you … However, the mind will always make you guilty again some other time, so that your inner critic could punish you again. Being trolled online, which is a form of cyberbullying, is not fun. Supporting a partner in crisis while you’re also hurting is all too common in the lives of people under average circumstances and recently life ... What if the hurt is there because of a negative experience with ... Focus on that part of you that cares for the other and give them the chance to care for you. We take the projections of others as if they are a direct attack on us, even more so when it’s someone we know well that’s acting maliciously. So when she said I wasn’t being authentic she was actually thinking that she wasn’t being authentic. This may seem obvious, but too often I hear something along the lines of, “Oh they’re just having a hard time,” as a defense for someone behaving in a harmful way. Fear of Accidentally Hurting Other People (Examples) Fear of insufficiently cleaning dishes, pots and pans, baby bottles, toys, or cooking/cleaning surfaces, which might result in illness or death. Unless you have hurt the person in some way, know that they are acting from a place of pain and a yearning desire for love. People will believe whatever version of reality serves their belief system. Sometimes it’s better when you are alone since nobody will be able to hurt you. Reacting is a million times easier than responding. You don’t have to fall into your natural, default behaviors. Each of us may have experienced being heartbroken. A month later I contacted her out of the blue because I was thinking about her. What we don’t know is the depth of connotations that each person has with different experiences. Dedicated to your stories and ideas. People too have hurt me and the way I see it is that they do it intentionally because of their inner hurt or unintentionally. Hurt people often alienate others and wonder why no one is there for them. I sure have. Although physical hurt can be very painful, it is emotional hurt that is harder to get over, and, because it is an 'unseen' hurt, sometimes emotional hurt goes unrecognized or is altogether denied. They’ll repeat their version of reality to themselves as many times as is needed to believe it wholeheartedly. However she moved to Harvard to do her PhD while he remained in the UK. Thanks so much for writing it! Hurt people often alienate others and wonder why no one is there for them. If you think you are unique with your pain and broken heart, look at others: sometimes you see, sometimes you don’t, but no one is spared. I accepted this as truth — this is what she said she wanted and I honored it. Hurt people hurt people, however they hurt themselves more. As you share the truth with someone they will feel hurt and maybe embarrassed. 6. Bullies hurt others with their words and actions. We’ll project as much of it onto others as we possibly can before realizing that they are our wounds and we have the power to heal them. The most hurt and traumatized among us will do anything to protect what little self-respect is left. The looking glass morphs into something more like one of those funky mirrors they have in haunted clown houses at the carnival. There is another expression “All fair in love and war”. I keep reminding myself this. Other times they will hurt you without realizing it. I sent a simple message saying “I’ve been thinking about you and hope you’re well. It’s really not about US at all. Only you know which choice is best for you in any given relationship. That does not show that humans behave nicely but who said that left to ourselves we behave nicely. Hurt people have a hard time entering into a trusting relationship. You are not able to prevent others from hurting you, but you can prevent yourself from hurting others. This helps you become more … Others can only help us to bring up what we haven’t healed in ourselves. Sometimes a person acts with malicious intent, desiring to hurt you because they don’t like you or they’ve chosen to be offended by you. Think about how their pain or situation to have hurt you. Turning Off The Gaslight: Surviving Psychopathic Games. Submit your writing to be published on Thought Catalog. It’s a hard lesson, wrought with frustration because when people hurt us our first instinct is fuck-you-to-the-moon and back type anger. Until then, the hurt just spreads like wildfire with a big old bucket of compassion waiting within us to put that fire out. Treating someone badly is just bad whether you or the other person did it. Instead, we could replace our resentment with compassion for ourselves and those who hurt us. In all situations you can help them move from grief to healing. It's really hard when you hurt someone you love, and it feels awful when someone you love hurts you, but getting hurt is a part of life. Unleashing anger on to others only causes more pain for ourselves in the end. Talk to them in a safe, supportive environment and ask questions, attempting to understand their feelings and why they act that way. He said “If you quit on me because I am behaving a certain way, it will be on your shoulders and I don’t need to accept responsibility for quitting myself because you did first.”. Learn more about working with Thought Catalog. These are not things I am proud to admit, and they’re not things I’d recommend or condone. Although I didn’t understand completely, I knew for a fact that she was hurting — and we know what hurt people do. Tip toeing around another person’s edges out of fear of how they’ll react is no way to live life. Free articles, courses, and other things you might like. You can change. Reacting is a million times easier than responding. Post an alternative article on a popular outlet and witness the personal outcries of the offended. Being isolated, singled out, and made to feel less is not fun. Sylvester Stallone. Allowing our own ego to get tripped the fuck out when someone projects their word vomit onto us is hard not to do. Other times they will hurt you without realizing it. You may unsubscribe at any time. It's a challenge that you can learn and grow from. Treating someone badly is just bad whether you or the other person did it. For you it’s as if the world is crashing down, and all you knew of others was a lie, but for them it’s not so dramatic and they most likely don’t even remember hurting you. At times, I choose to love people and keep them in my life. When you know where people’s reactions to you are coming from, it is much easier to not take it personally. Compulsions include: Removing debris from sidewalks, stairways, rooms, hallways, or other public walkways. Like Don Miguel Ruiz describes in his book the Four Agreements, we all have these invisible wounds and we’ll do anything to avoid them being touched. It hurts for everyone. Hurting people tend to hurt others, whether consciously or unconsciously. 1. This is because they are hurt and are in need of healing – the kind that only Christ can bring. But, they didn’t cause them, and they cannot heal them. Now that you have talked it out, do you want to salvage the relationship? One way to win is to love them where they’re at and be okay with the outcome. Now instead of taking it personally, I recognize it for what it is and love the person anyway. The person may try to resist those urges because of the likely consequences, but not because the idea of acting on the thoughts or urges is incredibly unsettling. Remind yourself how fucking amazing you are, we promise you, you are *so* worth it! Alone Anger Law. But for the majority of us, we hurt others because we’re in pain. While some mistakes are in our control, others are not. The sting don’t last forever, the nostalgic moments don’t last forever. In fact, no matter how despicable the act of hurting others is—including incest, rape, violence, murder there is a direct link back to how the person was harmed him or herself. Bottom line: They might not be truth. Bullies hurt others with their words and actions. When they seem to not care a whisper about how hard we tried to offer loving kindness. For example “I feel sad when you push me away” or “I would really love to be in relationship with you and want to understand what causes the behaviour.”. If I hold up a mirror every time I shun another person or cast blame, I can clearly see that who I’m really angry at is myself. But if the opposite is occurring and we’re experiencing constant inner turmoil and self-doubt then it makes sense that we want to feel less alone in our suffering. These are only a few examples in my life of manipulation from people who are hurting — I’m sure you have many of your own. 4. I had a friend who would never contact me first. Excessively cleaning items in the kitchen. When someone hurts us it’s often because it hits a part of ourselves that is in need of our own love. It is about THEM and what’s inside them coming out and projecting onto us. Some of us have had life-long stability, and for others walking the path of life has always been wobbly and close to the edge. Their reactions stem from past experiences that led them to certain beliefs that they accepted as truth. The more we hate ourselves, the more we want others to suffer.” – Dan Pearce. Even when it is unintended, some people find it intolerable to hurt someone they love. Because most of us don’t know how to generate our own love we go into survival mode when we’re hurt. Unless you have hurt the person in some way, know that they are acting from a place of pain and a yearning desire for love. Not only words said directly to the person, but words said when that person is not around. Think about how their pain or situation to have hurt you. When we say something to another person it’s good to check and see if we are really just projecting what we feel about ourselves. I will never forgive you … So what do we do about this behavior in others? When I said I didn’t want to be friends I just wanted to see if you’d fight for our friendship.”. It’s an ongoing practice of releasing other people’s shit and owning our own. #11: Hurting deep inside is one of the signs that you have allowed yourself to love because the only ones who can hurt you are the ones you love deeply. Words can hurt, but you have the power to control what you say to someone else, so read on for 10 rules to avoid causing hurt … Hurting quotes will let you realize the agony of being hurt. Stopping someone from hurting you when they don't care about your feelings is difficult because you can't control what do to you. Each of us has lived a unique life. Therearemanyreasonswhyyoumighthurtsomeoneyoulove.Maybeyouoffendedthem,saidsomethingthatm… Osho. Fear of Hurting Other People: Compulsions/Rituals. “Have you ever been hurt and the place tries to heal a bit, and you just pull the scar off of it over and over again.” – Rosa Parks. This is very typical of people in general — we can only see in someone else what we have in us. When you are punished, your sense of guilt seems to dissolve at that moment. If you take this route, try not to blame the other person for what happened. Peace only comes when we’re able to get quiet and remember that the pains inflicted upon us weren’t a result of us necessarily. Unintentionally hurting people’s feelings is often more painful for the person who did the hurting, whereas for the one who got hurt, it can be just as difficult to heal from as a physical wound. If you are hurt, you`re alive. “When you blame others, what you are really saying is what is inside of you can’t be fixed, so you have no control of your own happiness. Don’t give them your power! When we look at it from this perspective, how can there still be blame and fury cast towards those that bring up our shadows? Take a look, Why Some Good People End Up in Bad Relationships, “What are you getting your partner for Christmas?”, Imagine If We Started Writing Letters Again, Partition Drew a Line Between Us and We Dared to Cross It. The trick is to recognize it and not play into the behavior. In 2 Corinthians 9:8 Paul says, “God is able to make all grace abound to you so that in all things and at all times having all that you need you will abound in every good work.” If the root has already spilled out and hurt others, go and confess your sin to them. They were a reaction from another person who wasn’t able to respond, and in turn reacted, however their gnarly and deluded reptilian brain saw fit. Be Humble For example, if you feel hurt by someone's actions, you may get closure by confronting the wrongdoer and trying to forgive them. Because of the fall, this will happen. If you are hurt, you`re alive. People unconsciously cast projections of their own self-loathing on to others as a sort of survival mechanism. She still hadn’t been able to break the cycle with me even after a decade of friendship. These and other considerations indicate how easily you can hurt the one you love without intending to do so. Everywhere we look people are offended. An acquaintance was acting strange and very wishy washy with me, often sulking in a passive aggressive manner. “With love, you should go ahead and take the risk of getting hurt because love is an amazing feeling.” – Britney Spears. Hurt people have a hard time entering into a trusting relationship. You can offset those feelings by redirecting them to something that they do well. He felt if I reached out to him, it would make him feel worthy. Being trolled online, which is a form of cyberbullying, is not fun. It’s easier to react than it is to respond. How Do Bullies Hurt Others? Those who hurt others emotionally and/or physically do so because they have been inexplicably hurt during childhood. My journey with this … #12: When you love people you give them the key to rooms in your heart and this means that when they wrong you, it’s not going to stay on the surface but will hurt you deep in your heart. I sure have. […]. 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